Harry awoke to the sounds of Ron and looked about suspiciously.
“Teehee!” he giggled, as he pulled a huge phial full of eight hundred millilitres of shiny resplendent and glowing golden liquid from under his pillow.
“I’ve been saving this for yonks!” He said, and swiftly uncorked it.
“Is that Felix Felicis?! Asked Hermione (unexpectedly). “Well..”
“I’ll tell you if you tell me how the hell you got in here!” “I probably wouldn't tell you even if you weren’t my fanfiction lover that I totally wouldn’t be within the confines of the original works by J.K. Rowling.”
“Ahahaha!” said Harry as they both laughed and said “Ahahaha!”.
“Anyway, yes, it is a crock of Felix if you must know. I’ve been brewing this shit up since like second year yo!”
Hermione erupted into hearty chanting. “ Skull! Skull! Skull!” She chanted long into the morning. Finally Harry gave in to the brutal peer pressure as all the boys in the dormitory had gathered round and joined in the festivity.
“FINE!, I will!” He sobbed through a stream of thick salty tears, and downed the contents of the shining cylindrical phial in one fell swoop.
The onlookers looked on intently, their eyes hungrily scanning Harry up and down for signs of side effects.
“Oh boy.” Mumbled Harry woozily. And he did appear to be quite magnificently drunk. For about twenty seconds, after which he appeared to turn to gold.
Despite this newfound shiny metallic appearance he was still quite soft... warm... smooth and.. “Get the hell off me Neville!” Neville reluctantly withdrew, blushing heavily.
“Well? How does it feel Gary?” spluttered Dumbledore.
By now basically everyone at Hogwarts was in the Gryffindor common room despite the strict weight restrictions displayed obviously on the grimy stone wall, glistening in the eleven thirty A.M. sunlight in a solid ruby frame.
“I'm Harry, not Gary, sir...” said Harry slowly “Senile.” Harry whispered raspily to the crowd as Dumbledore forgot something important. “but yeah, I guess I feel pretty lucky, yeah!”
“Well then, show’s over lets g- AAR!” Said Filch as the common room collapsed in a shower of splinters, shreds of gold and red wallpaper, and Hogwarts students.”
Due to Harry’s magical luck everyone in Slytherin perished, while all of those he cared for sunk into thick white, slightly damp pillows, which stood out among the debris like marshmallows in milo in which the milo hasn’t properly dissolved.
Harry clambered hastily out of the clingy linen of the pillow he had been slowly sinking into and surveyed the surrounding destruction.
“Blimey!” Exclaimed the survivors in perfect unison, fading away at different pitch levels like a barbershop quartet.
Dumbledore swished his wand in a grand arc, trailing emerald sparkles like long lines of Christmas tree tinsel, gracefully falling through the air then melting amongst the dewy blades of grass. With that, the entire common room took form again, as if by magic!
“Move along now!” barked Filch as he began digging a mass grave for the Slytherins.
As Harry Ron and Hermione moved off amongst the shuffling crowd they began to converse with one another, slowly but then with increasing speed.
“well . . . that.. was . . . really . . . lucky that we managed toavoiddyingjustnow!”
Laughed Ron, all the while scratching his thigh under his robes, attracting disapproving looks. “Ron!” shouted Hermione while pashing Harry confidently.
Harry removed a third year lady who was clutching at his ankles and tossed it to Ron who gratefully accepted the generous gift. “Cheers Harry!” He beamed over his shoulder, scampering away into the castle.
“Well Hermione, it’s been nice but I’m going to have to break up with you.”
“What?!” cried Hermione tearfully.
“Yup … uhh sorry!.. Wow, this is kind of awkward… you see…”
“Oh save it Harry! I’ve had enough of boys!” and with that she ran away but not without dropping a letter at Harry’s feet…
Harry picked it up tenderly and inspected it for a moment, then decided it was largely insignificant and thus discarded it into a helpfully placed rubbish bin which stood next to the less popular and more contrived Rubbish Cauldron™.
He took out his timetable and saw that his next subject was iMagic Writing Class.
“Well Off I go! looks like the author has run out of ludicrous and improbable luck based situations for now.”
He scooted through the large stone arches which framed the imposing wooden doors to the castle and then pretended to care about the four large hourglasses displaying the house points for a while, so as to keep up his scholarly reputation.
Suddenly Hedwig flew through the open door and landed on his shoulder.
“Letter from the Ministry, Harry!” said Hedwig happily. Harry roughly untied the letter from her small, scaly legs, then tied her legs together, laughing, and threw her like a football into the sky.
“Hahahahaha good luck with getting that off … without any opposable thumbs! Hahahahaha”
And he kept laughing all the way to the great marble staircase.
After opening the letter and finding out that he had been granted all his OWLs due to luck, Harry looked around, real sly, then proceeded to walk under the stairs through a secret passage, straight through the solid wall! As if by magic!
On the other side, it was much like a muggle elevator, and glancing once more at his crumpled timetable he pushed a large black button with “LEVEL 4” laser etched into it’s shiny plastic surface, and even though it was gloomy in the lift, it was easily readable, because it was backlit by a bright purple L.E.D as if by magic, but not really by magic at all… by technology!
The lift lurched upward then came to a halt with a painful onomatopoeic device to represent a grinding or a screeching noise.
Stepping out of the lift Harry found himself inside the iMagic Writing Class, which was cool.
They had a substitute teacher today in place of the regular Professor Scrawle,
The substitute handed out a roll of parchment to each member of the class without introducing himself, which Harry found to be instructions for today’s work.
The instructions were to write at least 800 words of fan fiction then blog about it.
Harry chose, Animorphs!
Harry spent around two weeks feeling uninspired and eventually discarded his first attempt, which now seemed lame.
BANG! He found himself once more in the iMagic Writing Classroom, and began to belt out a ridiculous tale, “lol” he chortled to himself quietly.
All of a sudden he found he had written well over 800 words, 1179 words in fact!
Leaving the classroom he spotted a penny, crouched down to pick it up and found one hundred galleons in an alcove invisible to those standing up!
“What a day!” Said Harry smiling, as he stood up and gazed dreamily out the window.His skin slowly changed back from reflective gold to its normal pasty complexion while his green eyes took in the grounds, lit by the setting sun, where now, underneath a patch of freshly moved soil, lay the baddies of Slytherin.
The End
14 comments:
Really sweet, if i was your teacher... A+
I enjoyed this very much, J.k Rowling better watch her back.
who is this tar-frost? Is it Dan Fredenburgh?
I had a good chortle while reading this. I think the closing line really makes it. Also the abundance of adjectives, adverbs and similes makes this a veritable tour de force.
haha, so weird but fun.
i really enjoyed reading it, because it's quite unlike any fan fic i've read before.
Damn you, I was supposed to get the creative genes! I could write sweet stuff too, honest. It would be like L=int(sqrt(1+(HarryPotter)^2))with limits HarryPotter=emo ^ HarryPotter=wimp. LULZ, get it? Harry Potter is so derivative. This formula should give you his wang,i mean wand , length.
wow, how am i gonna follow up on your amazing feedback on my fic, the first comment i wrote was just for fun really hehe.
i don't really see anything that i would've done differently to be honest, because it is so well knitted together and so amusing the way it is.
and as i said earlier so unlike any fan fic i've ever read.
if anything you could just keep adding more of the luck thing,
as it just gets more and more crazy.
i would've loved to read more of your insaneness, it's so easy to read that i finished it quite fast and i was left thinking: i want more. hehe
i guess that's a postive thing, it is def. meant as compliment.
I suddenly realised I may seem like a gusher because I provided absolutely no constructive feedback...
Perhaps you could slow down the pace of events just a wee bit. Things seem to be moving at an alarming rate and it can be a little hard to follow. Some more description of surroundings and circumstances could help in that way.
I still revel in the tongue-in-cheekiness of it all.
GG!!!1
Yes,well it was never supposed to be marvellous or make pefect sense, it was simply supposed to be 800 words.
That way i can get on to reading everyone elses, and feeeeding, , , back!
Thanks for all compliments Ida !
My one was just to get this brief out of the way originally, but then I started to actually enjoy it, maybe it deserves more, but it probably wont see an update :>.
hey so uh, I checked it out today, tar-frost isn't part of our iWrite group...
now, i understand that you just wanted to get it over with but come on! you were enjoying it so much before. I say you should think of this as a skeleton and put a bit of meat on it when you get a chance, maybe before you hand it in at the end of the year
Oliver Carle, you have had 2 warnings already, and if you do not look out your ip will be banned forever.
Nah no need to fix it up aye, just more magic next time.
aight? maybe work a system administrator into the story next time.
im sorry tar-frost. plz comment me lol! o_O ^w^
Hey ChrisGenius! Lol perishing Slytherins. I like the harmonious “blimey” lol and the senile Dumbledore I love how Harry’s becomes the authors lemming for example the paragraph: ““Well Off I go! looks like the author has run out of ludicrous and improbable luck based situations for now.” is it somewhat of a personal experience near the end? O is the last sentence a typo?
Gotto like the post-modern irony of Harry's reflection on Harry and Hermoine's reflections on their fanfic selves, and of course the iMagic writing class. (does that make me Prof Scrawl? Guess it could be worse).
PoMo's even have a word - meta-textual - for the way in which you ironise the act of writing. (Show why those guys went out in the 90s. Only joking).
Fun paraody - write on.
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